Mr One-Four-Five

"Deep in my heart I'm concealing. Things that I'm longing to say. Scared to confess what I'm feeling. Frightened you'll slip away."

- Madonna, You Must Love Me

Well, saying that the past week has been a busy one would be nothing short of an understatement. With it also came its share of worries and disappointments. And yet through it all I didn't find myself too discouraged. Because you see, there's been something - or rather, someone - that has helped keep me going.

Over the past 10 days I have been chatting to a really great guy almost daily. It's extremely rare for me to feel a soulful connection with somebody right off the back. But this has been the case for me with Mr One-Four-Five. And even though it's only been 10 days, I feel like I've had some really deep conversations with him already.

I've now spent quite a bit of time reading his blog and browsing his Facebook profile, just looking at pictures and reading notes. I have to say that he is one of the kindest, most genuine guys I have ever come across. The only problem is, he lives in a completely different province.

Now if you read my last blog entry, you will already know that I don't think that distance necessarily always has to be a determining factor in life. With every passing year I become increasingly aware just how short and precious life is. After everything that has transpired the past couple of months, I know now more than ever that I don't want to live a life of regrets. And at the end of the day I'd rather regret something I did, than regret something I didn't do.

So this is an open letter to you, Mr One-Four-Five. I don't know if you'll get to read this, but at least part of me hopes that you will. I know we have yet to meet in person, but I want you to know that our conversations have been the highlight of any given day. You have kind eyes and a bright smile. You are funny, caring and considerate. I can tell that you have a big heart and a beautiful soul. And in you I see the qualities that I admire and that I'm hoping to find in a partner. I find myself thinking about you numerous times throughout the day - hoping that you're OK and that you're having a good day. I can't wait to talk to you at the end of a long day, and just get to know you even better. It should therefore come as no surprise that I am falling for you. I can only hope that you don't think I'm crazy, that this doesn't scare you off completely and that perhaps you feel some kind of a connection too.

If this was a John Hughes movies, I'd be standing outside your bedroom window with a boombox on my shoulder. Or I'd be on a float in a parade doing some silly musical number. But this is real life. Though I've never been a gambling man, I am going out on a limb here. I know that I am a man of simple means.  And that the only thing that I have to offer is love and devotion. But what I have to offer is for forever and a day.

I'm just a boy, standing here with his heart in hand. A boy that is ready to take a leap of faith - hoping that what he has to give will be enough at the end of the day. And that 145 might turn out to be his lucky number too.

Time … Distance … Circumstance

“Love knows not distance; it hath no continent; its eyes are for the stars.”

– Gilbert Parker

In my ongoing search for true love, it appears that I will always be facing one of either 3 obstacles – time, distance or circumstance.

Of these 3 stooges (as I like to call them), distance is appearing to be the most prevalent. You see, over the past year I have met some amazing guys on Twitter. And during this time I have now twice found myself taking interest in a guy living halfway across the country.

Am I crazy for falling for someone I haven’t even met in person yet? Am I foolish for even considering the possibility of a long distance relationship (if the interest was to be mutual of course)? I’m sure a lot of you would answer to both of these with a resounding “yes”!

I guess that’s where I differ from most people. As much as I am a realist, there’s also another side to me – the complete and hopeless romantic. It is the romantic in me that firmly believes that no obstacle is too great for love to overcome.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying that distance hasn’t been the downfall of many a great relationship. But isn’t it somewhat hasty to pass up a potentially great relationship simply because of distance? Don’t you owe it to yourself to see where it could lead? Just because distance might initially be an obstacle, it doesn’t mean that it has to remain that way. If you find someone really amazing that you love with all your heart, wouldn’t you then want to do anything to be with them? I mean, if two people found that they want to spend the rest of their lives together - wouldn’t one or the other end up relocating anyway, thereby eliminating the problem?

Maybe I’m making it sound a lot simpler than it really is. And maybe things are different for me. So much precious time has already been lost because I lived in fear – time in which I could have found my soul mate. I just don’t want to spend the rest of my life regretting what could have been if I had only had the courage to take a leap of faith.

So here I now find myself yet again falling slowly – but oh so surely - for somebody who lives halfway across the country.

The only question is - will it be 3^rd time lucky this time around? Or 3 strikes and I’m out?

Ready For Love

“My heart beats for love. It's the sound that I hear, tells me not to give up. It breathes in my chest. And it runs through my blood. My heart beats for love.”

– Miley Cyrus, My Heart Beats For Love

OK, so I’m fully aware that starting a blog entry off by quoting Miley Cyrus probably doesn’t add an awful lot of weight to what’s to follow. But instead of judging me for the choice of artist, rather appreciate the beauty of the emotions that would inspire such lyrics.

I can’t deny that I’ve lived a privileged life up till now. I grew up in a good home and I had a decent upbringing. My parents instilled me with values and beliefs that have brought me to where I am today, and still serve me well. And though we were never rich, my daily needs - and more - were always met.  I was blessed to have the opportunity to start working straight out of high school while studying towards my degree after hours. This in turn lightened the financial burden on my parents, and also allowed me to start my adult life without any debt.

At the moment I have job security, I own a car and I’m renting a little house which is well suited to my needs. Although I have few friends, the ones I have are gold. You would therefore be forgiven for assuming that I in fact have it all. Because you see, the most important thing in life (in my eyes at least) still eludes me. And that is love.

It is no secret that I have never been in a relationship. In fact, I didn’t even have my first kiss until a couple of months ago. This could probably all be attributed to the fact that I only accepted my own sexuality recently. But maybe now, for the first time, I am truly ready for love. Ready not only to love, but also be loved.

I have always been a hopeless romantic. I mean, I love “love” - period! And there is nothing more I want than to find that special person to share my life with. The funny thing is, I don’t even think I really have a set “type”. This of course doesn’t mean that I don’t know what I’m looking for – because I do. It’s just that with age I think I’ve finally come to realise what matters and what doesn’t.

I’m looking for someone who will, first and foremost, love me unconditionally. Someone with a big heart and a beautiful soul. Someone with an infectious smile and kind eyes I can lose myself in. Someone who can make me laugh and challenge me to be the best I can be. Someone who will share my values and beliefs. Someone who will not only be my lover, but also be my best friend.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I am open to the new and exciting possibilities that love can hold. So, this is an open invitation to Prince Charming. I am ready to be swept off my feet and for you to steal my heart away. I am ready to put you at the centre of my universe and ride off into the sunset.

I am ready for happily ever after.

A Good Man In A Storm

I was raised to be a good man in a storm, raised to love my country, love my family and protect the things I love. When my father... Colonel Daniel Robbins of the United States Marine Corps, heard that I was a lesbian, he said he only had one question. I was prepared for "How fast can you get the hell out of my house?" But instead... It was... "Are you still who I raised you to be?"

– Arizona Robbins (from Grey’s Anatomy)

If you were to ask me what my single biggest fear as a gay man is, I would have to say that it would be my parents’ reaction the day that I sit them down and tell them that I am gay.

I grew up in a small town and a community that was – and still is to some degree – very conservative. Don’t get me wrong. I’m extremely grateful that I was raised in such a sheltered environment, and also spared many of the pitfalls that other kids had to deal with. Unfortunately, growing up like that also comes at a price – even if you only pay it much later in life.

You see, homosexuality isn’t a subject that was ever really addressed in my hometown. Simply because there were no gay or lesbian couples in town – at least not that anybody knew of. In fact, it wasn’t until I hit my twenties that the first openly gay couple moved into town. As was to be expected, reactions to this development varied from delight to utter disgust.

There’s no denying that my parents grew up in a completely different era than I did – one that was even more conservative and sheltered in many ways. A time when misconceptions about homosexuality were still rife – or at least even more rife than they are these day. It should therefore come as no surprise that my parents seem to associate the words “gay” and “lesbian” with everything that is wrong in this world. Those words seem to conjure up precious little more than thoughts of drugs, casual sex and AIDS. This is of course completely unfair, because let’s face it – that is nothing more than stereotyping. And besides, those things are just as rife in heterosexual circles.

I am far from perfect – maybe the farthest thing from. But I like to think that I have made mostly good choices in my life up till now. I decided at an early age that cigarettes and alcohol were simply not for me. I of course have no objection to anybody else using either of the two – but for me it was just never going to be an option. I’ve never done drugs. I don’t engage in casual sex. And I’m not reckless when it comes to working with money. I’m not saying that I’ve never disappointed my parents, but all in all they’ve had a pretty smooth ride in comparison to other parents out there.

Being an only child, I grew up to be incredibly close to my parents. They have done so much for me, and sacrificed so much for me to be where I am today. I love them dearly, and I have tried to live the type of life that not only I could be proud of – but one that would make them proud as well. I would sacrifice my own happiness to spare them any hurt or pain. But if I were to continue to do so, I also know that I’ll never truly be alive – I’ll merely be an empty shell going through the motions.

They say that a parent’s love for his/her child is unconditional, and I want nothing more than to believe that. Yet when I see my parents' reaction to the gay and lesbian community in general, I can’t help but be doubtful that they’d be able to accept me for who I am. I can deal with a lot of things in life. I could probably learn to deal with losing all my friends. But the thought of losing my parents is simply unbearable.

So how do I overcome this seemingly insurmountable obstacle? I don’t know. The only thing that is certain is that the day will come where I will have to face the music. Until that day however, I guess this blog is as good a place as any to express that which I only hope I will have the courage and conviction to say when the time is right.

Mom and Dad, I may not know a great many things in life. But I know that I’m a good person. I’m strong and caring and honourable. I love with all my heart. I give unconditionally. And I protect the things I love. I’m a good man in a storm. But most importantly – I’m still who you raised me to be.

The White Elephant

“Take me. This is all that I've got. This is all that I'm not. All that I'll ever be.”

– Allison Iraheta, Scars

After much deliberation I finally came to the conclusion that if this blog is to have any meaning and serve its purpose, it is important that I first address the white elephant in the room. You're all familiar with the white elephant, right? That one subject that everybody treads around ever so carefully? The one that is rarely brought up, and yet is always at the back of everybody's mind? In my case, the subject of my sexuality.

After years of battling it with every fiber of my being, I can no longer deny that which I guess I always knew to some degree - I am gay.

It took me about 20 years to finally admit it to myself. And when I finally did - boy, it hit me ... hard! I spent two nights on my bedroom floor, feeling like I couldn't breathe. Crying until I had no tears left. The guilt and self hatred was simply overwhelming. All I could see was that my "perfect little world" was about to come apart at the seams.

I realized that I couldn't spend another night in agony - I had to tell someone. So I mustered every ounce of confidence I had and got in touch with a friend on Twitter. There I was, opening up to someone I had barely known a couple of months. Heck, we'd never even met in person. I really thought he might be freaked out. Instead I was overwhelmed with love and support. There's no two ways about it, my friend - you were a godsend.

Three more of my tweeps had picked up on the fact that something was wrong, and sent me messages to ensure that I was OK. I decided to confide in them too, and I'm very glad that I did. Together the 4 of you each provided me with your unique point of view while also allowing me a little glimpse into your own world. Though I have thanked all of you individually, I don't think you will ever fully grasp just how much your support has meant to me - and how much it still does. I had hit rock bottom, and you guys pulled me out from the depths of despair. You saved me from myself. And for that you have my eternal gratitude.

I know that admitting to myself that I am gay is only the first step on a road that is sure to be long and winding. I have yet to tell my family and close friends. Saying that I'm scared is probably an understatement, because I am in fact terrified of losing that which I hold most dear to my heart.

Although it is highly unlikely that any of my family or close friends will ever read this blog, it would be naïve of me to think that they could never stumble upon it. So if you are reading this before I’ve had the opportunity to sit you down and tell you myself – I am sorry. But know that I love you more than you will ever know, and that I had my reasons for waiting to tell you. The last thing I ever wanted to do was cause you any hurt, pain or disappointment. And in every decision I have made I’ve tried to protect you and always keep your best interest in mind. I hope that in time you will be able to understand and that you will be able to love me for me.

To anyone out there to whom I’ve ever denied being gay when questioned – please know that I was not lying to you. At the time I still believed with religious conviction that I was straight. You clearly knew better – and now I do too.

As I bring this entry to a close, I’m sitting here with my hands shaking as I type. I don’t know what comes next. All I know is that this is me. This is all I’ll ever be.

Welcome to my truth ...

I have toyed with the idea of starting a blog for quite some time now – even more so after watching “Julie & Julia” late last year. Unlike Julie however, I will not be blogging about a single subject every single day – I just don’t have the dedication, and neither is that the motivation for this blog. Besides - unless you’re an exceptionally good writer,  blogging about a single subject can get pretty boring pretty fast.

Now you might find yourself asking just what exactly my motivation is then? Well, it’s quite simple. I’m simply looking for a way to express myself. Over the past couple of months my mind has been working overtime. And I’m sure that just about anybody can tell you that being left alone with your own thoughts for too long simply just isn’t a good thing.

I don’t know what form this blog will take yet, or even how often I will post. Hell, I don’t even know if anybody will read it. But then, that isn’t the point. At the end of the day I’m just a boy, trying to find his was in a world where the only constant seems to be change. I laugh, I cry, I hurt, I love – and I guess that’s what this blog will be about. A window into my soul.

Before I start on this journey, I have to thank someone special for giving me the final nudge and encouragement I needed to start on this exciting new journey. I won’t mention your name, but if you’re reading this you will know who you are. So thank you!

I guess that leaves me with nothing else left to do but to welcome all of you to the life and times of an average joe.

So welcome to my world. Welcome to my truth.