Unrequited

“Everyone thinks that I have it all.

But it's so empty living behind these castle walls.

If I should tumble. If I should fall.

Would anyone hear me screaming behind these caste walls?

There's no one here at all behind these castle walls.”

- T.I. ft Christina Aguilera, Castle Walls

The past week - and weekend especially - has probably been one of the loneliest I've experienced in quite some time. Aside from my chats with Mr One-Four-Five, it's been really quiet in the evenings. I know I've said it before, but I'm really thankful for his presence in my life right now. He's seen my light and a little of my dark, and he's still here - that's pretty amazing. I really wish we lived a little closer to each other. Hopefully we’ll get to meet in person sometime this year.

When it comes to loneliness, it doesn't really matter what you do - you can't escape it. You can go to a mall and be surrounded by hundreds of people, and still feel like the sole person out there. I don't think I've felt anything like this since those two horrid nights back in October. To make it even worse, I’m an emotional eater. So there’s been binging aplenty. It really scares me to think that I’ve started to let myself go again, when I said I would never allow it to happen again.

You're probably wondering why I don't just call up a friend, right? Well, I don't have that many close friends to begin with. I've tried my darnedest to make some friends ever since moving to the city. But finding yourself a spot in an already established circle of friends is easier said than done. I always seem to be the one who has to initiate everything - whether it be a trip to the movies, dinner or just a night in. For some reason I always end up being an "option" or a "last resort". And I've just grown tired of it.

I'm on the verge of having to shatter my parents' world, and I'm realising I might not have all that great of a support network after all. At least not a tangible one. When it comes to friendship and love, mine seems to remain unrequited. Wow, that would actually be a pretty good title for my biography one day "Unrequited - A True Story". Don’t you think?

I don't even really want to get into the subject of love. I guess I just thought things would be different now that I was finally comfortable with my sexuality and now that I know what I want. But it's still every bit as hard as it used to be. Maybe I simply set my hopes too high - common denominator etc. It's not really like I have all that much say in the matter - at the end of the day, the heart wants what it wants.

Come what may though, I know I can't afford to throw in the towel. Because if I do, I'll just be one more lonely person who gave up the fight.

Don't Waste The Pretty

“Who do you think you are? Running round leaving scars.

Collecting your jar of hearts. And tearing love apart.

You're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul.

Don't come back for me. Don't come back at all.”

- Christina Perri, Jar Of Hearts

I've begun to make peace with the fact that there are a great many things in this world that I will probably never understand. One of these is the intricate mechanics of love. Like how you can simply wake up one morning and decide that you don't love the person next to you anymore? As simple a concept as love may be, it can also get very complicated. It's so much bigger than you and me - bigger than all of us. And yet there are few things as beautiful in its simplicity as falling in love.

I guess if I really think about it, I can still rationalize how you can fall out of love with someone. People change, needs change and circumstances change - all of which can be a factor. But it can also go beyond that of course. You can fall out of love over something that the other person has done. Like cheating on you.

For me, personally, cheating is inexcusable. If you don't love somebody anymore - fine, be truthful with them and both parties can try and move on. But how can you be with someone, tell them you love them, promise them the sun and the moon, and then go behind their back and be with somebody else? I will never understand that. I don't even want somebody to try and justify it, because it makes me sick. Seriously. I've now seen it happen to two people I know in less than a week. And it tears me apart.

I don't know what I would do if it ever happened to me. I think it would most probably break me. Yet I hope that I would have enough strength and a big enough sense of self worth to walk away, and realise that I deserve better. Is there really any point in sticking around because someone says that they've made a mistake, and that it will never happen again? I'm not saying that people can't change and that they don't deserve a second chance. But 9 times out of 10, a cheater will just cheat again. Because whatever convinced them to gamble with the love they had in the first place is clearly stronger than any level of commitment out there, or just even plain common sense.

If you know that you're being cheated on, you need to love yourself enough to know that it's over when it's over. If you're sticking around because you're the victim of emotional abuse, you need to find the strength within you to pick yourself up and to walk away. Nobody has the power to make you feel less than you are, unless you give it to them. You deserve more than just being somebody's option. You deserve to be somebody's world. And you should never have to settle for anything less. You are beautiful, and you are worthy of love. Love in its purest form.

So please believe that. And whatever you do - don't waste the pretty.

The “Ick” Factor?

"Just a little bit stronger

Just a little bit wiser

Just a little less needy

And maybe I'd get there...

Just a little bit pretty

Just a little more aware

Just a little bit thinner

And maybe I'd get there..."

– Maria Mena, Just A Litte Bit

Why is it so hard to meet a decent guy these days? It’s not like they’re not out there, because they are. It’s just that they’re all already in a relationship, live a little far away or they’re simply just not interested. It’s a sad state of affairs indeed.

I have had my fair amount of crushes, and none of them have ever amounted to anything more than that unfortunately. I can’t tell you how many people have told me that I should just keep the faith, because I’m going to find somebody amazing.

You know what? Quite frankly, I’m tired of always being told that. That, and that I’m sweet and thoughtful and sincere. Where has that gotten me? Sweet and sincere simply doesn’t seem to cut it. I’m starting to think that they must be the least attractive qualities in a guy. Either that or people just don’t want to be treated well.

Just what exactly is it about me that keeps putting guys off? Am I not smart enough? Not wealthy enough? Not attractive enough? Is it the fact that I have high moral values and strong beliefs? Is it because I’m not easy?

I mean, let’s get something straight – I’m not looking for a one night stand or Mr Right Now. I’m not about to compromise my values for anyone. No, because I deserve to be more than just somebody’s option or flavour of the week.

Who knows? Maybe I just don’t have the “X” factor. Maybe it’s not even about what I’m lacking. Maybe it’s about what I do have.

And that appears to be the “ick” factor.

Poor Lil' Charlie Brown

"Love never loved me

Love left me out in the cold

Love never loved me

Love gave up on me after all"

– Geri Halliwell, Love Never Loved Me

It will probably come as no surprise to you that I have never had a Valentine. Not once. When I was younger, I was THAT little boy. You know, the one whose mother was concerned that he wouldn’t get a Valentine? So she would slip one into his suitcase or lunchbox, or even find a way to get it into the mailbox at school. And every year he would come back with the biggest smile on his face. Not because he received a Valentine – but because he didn’t miss a single one of his classmates when sending out his Valentines. Yes, that was me.

Of course all little boys have to grow up at some point. And as they do, they realise that Valentine’s Day isn’t all about sending cards to their friends. No, Valentine’s Day is the one day of the year that just about everybody goes out of their way to show that someone special in their life just how much they care about them. It’s not about receiving a card from a friend – it’s about getting to share a special day with the person you love. The person who loves you too.

Nothing makes me happier than to see people find happiness. Heaven knows we need as many happy couples out there as we can get. But Valentine’s Day is the one day of the year that makes it really hard to be happy for everybody else when you’re still left terminally single.

I sometimes wonder whether Charles Schulz knew that he was actually basing the character of Charlie Brown on me when he started his Peanuts comic strip 60 odd years ago? A lovable loser, possessed of endless determination and hope, but ultimately dominated by his insecurities and a "permanent case of bad luck," and often taken advantage of by his peers. Like ol’ Chuck, I seem to be a shining example of an “un-success story” – failing in almost everything I do.

Come Monday I will no doubt find myself marching up to my mailbox, just like poor lil' Charlie Brown, only to find it completely empty like so many Valentine’s Days before - serving as a reminder yet again that love has never loved me.

The Common Denominator

“How can a 10 go for a 5?”

– Tagline, She’s Out Of My League

By now I'm sure that at least some of you have seen the movie "She's Out Of My League". It stars Jay Baruchel as an average Joe who meets the perfect woman (Alice Eve). Instead of Jay having to compete for Alice's affection though, and to the surprise of both their groups of friends, she takes an interest in him right from the start. Of course Jay’s lack of confidence and the influence of his friends and family begin to pick away at the relationship. But in true Hollywood style, they overcome it all and end up living happily ever after.

Sweet, right? Sure. If only it were that easy in real life. Because you see, in our world 10’s and 5’s simply don’t play in the same leagues. No sir. The only things that seem to matter to people are looks, money and power. They can deny it all they want. But the truth is if you are lacking in any of these 3 departments, you're most likely to be sentenced to a lifetime of loneliness by those who are considerably more “blessed” in those areas. And this has rung true through the ages.

Even I can't deny the fact that it would be nice if I was to find an attractive partner to share my life with. It's not important by any means, because to me your most important features still remain your heart and soul. But it surely wouldn't hurt. I've had my fair share of crushes on "perfect 10's". And I know better than anyone that most of them would never give me the time of day, and that the exceptions to the rule are ever so few.

So while I applaud the filmmakers for making the audience believe that anything is possible, I can't help but feel like I need to be the voice of reason here. At the end of the day it sadly all still comes down to basic maths - a case of the common denominator.

And in the real world, 10's and 5's simply don't share a common denominator.

4 Months

“Our lives are made

In these small hours.

These little wonders,

These twists & turns of fate.

Time falls away.

But these small hours,

These little wonders still remain.”

– Rob Thomas, Little Wonders

Today it’s been exactly 4 months since I first came out. While not too much has changed in this time, it hasn’t been a completely uneventful period either.

I finally had my first kiss. I was caught completely off guard, and it came from the last place I would probably ever have expected. But you know what? It felt good. And it felt right. Even though it was just a kiss - one that could never lead to anything more - I will always cherish that memory. Because in that moment there was no longer any doubt in my mind about my sexuality.

I’ve now come out to 5 of my close friends, as well as a number of friends in my online community. I was initially very hesitant in opening up to anyone, but I’m glad that I have. The love and support of these friends has been overwhelming so far. Nobody should have to carry their burdens alone, and I for one am glad that at least part of the weight has already been lifted from my shoulders.

I’ve come to the realization that there will never be a good time to break the news to my family. No matter how, where or when I tell them - they will be devastated. And that is something I will probably have to make peace with. I still don’t feel any more prepared to face them than I did 4 months ago. All I know is that the moment of truth is drawing ever closer, and it still scares the living daylights out of me.

I’ve started chatting to the most amazing guy I have probably ever had the pleasure of conversing with. But you already know all about Mr One-Four-Five, don’t you? Everything aside from the fact that I fell for him within 2 weeks. Yes, headlessly and recklessly. For once in my life I didn’t want to over think things - and being the naïve (?) and hopeless romantic I am, I decided to tell him. Only to find that he didn’t feel quite the same way. Maybe I jumped the gun on that one. I know I can’t help but wonder if something could have developed if I had only given it more time. Be that as it may, I’m extremely thankful that he was honest with me and that my little revelation didn’t mean the end of our friendship. Which is further proof of just what an amazing guy he is. I’ve come to care for him a great deal, and I just feel really blessed for his presence in my life right now.

Four months ago I was pretty sure that my world was about to come crashing down on me. Since then I’ve had good days and bad days, and occasionally, the really bad day. And yet here I am. Still sober. Still breathing. Still somehow okay.

Who knows? Maybe, just maybe, there’s a place for me in this weird and wonderful world after all.

That Human Touch

“Tis the human touch in this world that counts,

The touch of your hand and mine,

Which means far more to the fainting heart

Than shelter, bread and wine;

For shelter is gone when the night is o'er,

And bread lasts only a day

But the touch of the hand and the sound of the voice

Sing on in the soul always.”

– Spencer Michael Free

As someone who has always struggled to make new friends, the dawn of the age of social networking had been a very welcome one. For me, like many others I'm sure, it all started with MySpace. During my time in the States I discovered Facebook, which turned out to be a great way to keep in touch with all my newfound friends after returning to South Africa. In fact, it proved to be so addictive that I at one point easily changed my status anything from 2 to 3 times a day ... every day. But eventually the novelty seemed to wear off somewhat, and I found myself graduating to Twitter.

Out of the 3, Twitter has probably had the most profound impact on my life. For the first couple of months things were kind of slow, and aside from the occasional status update there wasn't much else for me to do. However, I pretty soon learned that you should never underestimate the value of a well placed hashtag. And one day it all just took off. All of a sudden  I found myself interacting with a group of people from both South Africa and abroad - a group that has continued to grow, and still does week by week.

Twitter became a place where I could turn when the loneliness became too much, because there I now had an "extended family" who were there to make me laugh, console me and help me through the bad days. I have come to care for my tweeps a great deal, and I feel lucky to have made strong bonds with a couple of individuals - some of who I've now also had the privilege of meeting in real life.

Of course you can't mention Twitter, without mentioning a little thing called flirting. Yes, there's quite a bit of that taking place on Twitter. And as someone who's never really attracted attention from guys, I have to admit that it's been flattering. I mean, who doesn't like attention?

As wonderful as social networking may be however, there's still a problem. You see, at the end of the day you still have to log off Facebook and Twitter at some point. That's when reality settles in, and you realise that you're still stuck exactly where you were when it all started - all alone on your living room couch. That's when you start questioning how many of these people would ever actually socialise with you, kiss you or hug you if they got to meet you in real life.

That's when you realise that no amount of virtual hugs, kisses and encouragement can ever substitute a warm embrace, a pat on the back or a reassuring squeeze of the hand. Because you see, at the end of the day we all still long for one thing above all others.

That human touch.

I See The Light

Last night I went to see Disney’s latest (and 50^th) animated feature “Tangled”. Although it’s not an instant classic like say “The Little Mermaid”, “Beauty and the Beast” or “The Lion King”, I still found it thoroughly entertaining. It’s an interesting take on the story of Rapunzel, with some loveable characters (the leads of course being voiced by the lovely Mandy Moore and Zachary Levi). I mean, tell me you don’t want a little chameleon like Pascal after that! To top it all off, I even cried at the end. Yes, yes – I know that it’s not all that unusual for me to get all emotional while watching a moving. But lately I just seem to be über emotional.

My favourite moment in the movie however is the scene where Rapunzel and Flynn are in a little boat on the river, watching all the flying lanterns being set free. Mandy and Zachary (who actually has a really good voice!) sing this beautiful song called “I See The Light”. And I guess it just struck a chord with me because it feels somewhat relevant at the moment. Of course, none of this means anything to you if you haven’t seen the movie or heard the song. So on that note, I’ll leave you with the lyrics to the song –

All those days watching from the windows

All those years outside looking in

All that time never even knowing

Just how blind I've been

Now I'm here, blinking in the starlight

Now I'm here, suddenly I see

Standing here, it's all so clear

I'm where I'm meant to be

And at last I see the light

And it's like the fog has lifted

And at last I see the light

And it's like the sky is new

And it's warm and real and bright

And the world has somehow shifted

All at once everything looks different

Now that I see you

All those days chasing down a daydream

All those years living in a blur

All that time never truly seeing

Things the way they were

Now you're here shining in the starlight

Now you're here, suddenly I know

If you're here, it's crystal clear

I'm where I'm meant to go

And at last I see the light

And it's like the fog is lifted

And at last I see the light

And it's like the sky is new

And it's warm and real and bright

And the world has somehow shifted

All at once, everything is different

Now that I see you