… In A Hopeless Place

“There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't 'cause I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love and then you don't have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it, and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is death ends. This, it could go on forever.”

– Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy

It has been said that fairy tales are nothing more than lies we tell our children so they won't have nightmares when they go to sleep. I guess it should come as no surprise then that my “happily ever after” came to an end 3 months to the day that it had begun.

Today it’s been 2 months since we broke up. It all still seems so unreal to me. No matter how many times I go over it, I still struggle to comprehend how something that started out so perfectly came to such an untimely end.  I could go on and recount the unravelling of my fairy tale in the most intimate detail, and probably fill page upon page in doing so. But because I respect the man that stole my heart – and because I do believe some things should remain private – I won’t do that.

As two people who care about each other a great deal, we decided to remain friends. But what at first seemed like the most logical thing to do, pretty soon proved to be much more complicated than we had anticipated. I guess I am mostly to blame for this. I was naïve to think that I could go from being someone’s partner and lover to simply being their friend overnight. Because as hard as I tried (and wanted) to be the friend that he needed, I couldn’t keep myself from hoping that we could go back to the way things were.

As much as I respect the reason for our breakup, I’m also human. And the heart wants what it wants. Over a very short period of time I had fallen head over heels for this guy. He came into my life most unexpectedly and changed my life completely. I had lived on my own for so long, that even I had started to doubt whether I would be able to share my life with someone else. Yet he came and washed away any doubt I had. He proved that I’m able to love someone so completely and selflessly, that now – looking back – I almost find it scary. He became the centre of my universe, and there was nothing I wouldn’t do for him. No price too high to pay to ensure his happiness. Because when he was happy, I was happy. And no matter how messed up any other aspect of my life was, all seemed right in the world when he smiled at me.

After 6 weeks of going back and forth it was time to face the truth however. I wasn’t capable of being just his friend. Not so soon. While he believed that if we’re meant to be we would find our way back to each other , I had a much harder time simply leaving everything to fate. You see, I had been so scared that if I let him go he might never come back to me. And I didn’t know if I would be able to cope with that. Because I didn’t know how to exist in a world where “we” didn’t.

It pained me to admit it, but he was right – we needed a clean break. Time to heal and find ourselves again. If we were to simply continue down the same road we had for those 6 weeks, there would eventually be nothing left of what had been good, pure and magical about what we had shared. And I certainly didn’t want to tarnish the beautiful memories we had made in our short time together.

I don’t regret anything. Our relationship proved to be one of so many firsts for me. While I had originally intended to wait a couple of months before telling my parents that I was in a relationship, they ended up finding about him by coincidence on my birthday. And I’m glad that it happened, because after that I could work him into our conversations and help them see that I was living a perfectly healthy life like any man my age. Just last year my mom had been mortified at the thought that I would want to bring another man under their roof. And within 2 months of finding out that I was seeing someone, she invited him along for a weekend away at the beach. I have no doubt that it took a lot for my mom to be able to do that. But I believe she saw that I was truly happy, and that must’ve given her some reassurance that everything might just be OK. And I have him to thank for that.

Does this mean that I’m over him? No. Not by a long shot. We might have found love in what turned out to be a hopeless place. And we might not be able to be together right now. But I still believe that he’s the man I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with. I believe that with every fibre of my being, even if he can’t see or feel that. And while many would call it nothing more than a fool’s hope, it’s all I’ve got right now. That, and the knowledge that nothing worth having ever came easy.  Winston Churchill said that you should never give up on anything that you can’t go a day without thinking about. I couldn’t agree more.

At the end of the day, what kind of hopeless romantic would I be if I didn’t fight for what I believe in? If I didn't fight for the one thing I’ve spent the biggest part of my adult life longing for?

True love.