Bound To You

“Your mouth is poison. Your mouth is wine.

I don't have a choice, but I still choose you.

I don't love you, but I always will.
I always will.”

- The Civil Wars, Poison & Wine

 

It’s been 3 weeks since the last time I saw you. We weren’t supposed to have any contact. But you broke that agreement when you texted me within the first week. I knew it wasn’t supposed to happen, and yet I was so glad just to hear from you. It didn’t come without a price however. No, there's always a price to pay. You see, now I find myself waiting for texts that I know might never come. Every time my phone goes off, I hope it’s you. And when it finally is you, my whole world is turned upside down in an instant.

Most mornings I get up and look at myself in the mirror, and I don’t recognize the person staring back at me. And I find myself thinking “How has this become my life?”.  I go to work and I try to keep myself preoccupied. But at some point I have to come home. And it’s always waiting just around the corner. Waiting to consume me and torture me. So I go to bed, and I hope and pray that when I turn around there’s going to be someone there to hold me. And then I realise it’s just me again, and that I’ve never felt so lonely in my entire life. I pray for sleep to come just so I don’t have to think or feel anything for a couple of hours. But lately the very sleep that had become my sanctuary has turned into dreams and nightmares. And I know that I was naïve to think that I could ever escape it. Because the truth is, I’m not safe anywhere. I’m haunted by you, and the ghost of “us”.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I wish I could say that it’s getting better. But I find myself stuck in a house that no longer feels like a home. Because your heart had become my home, and now I’m homeless. I’m missing you more and more every day. You’re my first thought in the morning, and the last before I go to bed. You’re all I’ve ever wanted, and yet this I am denied. You came and changed my life. You completed me. And without you it just seems like there’s nothing that could make life worth living for.

Everybody says they understand. They don’t. Not really. Because how can they possibly understand something that not even the two of us can fully comprehend? I could say that I wish I knew how to quit you. But even after all that’s been said and done, that would just be a lie.

At the end of the day, there’s only one thing that still remains. Only one thing that still rings true.

I’m still completely, hopelessly, irrevocably in love with you.